Deliberate Budgeting

Two months ago I started a new job. New job = new income = new BUDGET! :D (yes, I really do get happy about things like budgeting.) I've been pretty stoked about my new budget, and some friends recommended I write a post about it. Voila!

Giving: I figure that if I make more money, I should be giving more money. So I did some thinking. I automatically give 10% of what I make to God. I decided to give an additional 1% to giving through my church (helping the needy locally, humanitarian efforts abroad, supporting missionaries, etc.) and 1% to giving outside my church. For that I chose 2 charities to support: The International Rescue Committee (which helps refugees) and Operation Underground Railroad (which rescues children from sex trafficking). And I made my own scholarship fund! I'm so excited. I found that if I save $20.83/month, I can give a $250 scholarship to a graduating senior from my old high school. I want give it to a first generation college student. I couldn't be more thrilled.

Monthly bills: This category didn't change much for me. I added renter's insurance (probably a good idea to have, and now that I actually have a positive income, I can afford $13.67/month!) and an Audible subscription. Soooo excited to listen to more books!

Everyday expenses: Also stayed about the same. I think that's important. I didn't want my standard of living to change much.

Rainy Day funds: After making a negative income during grad school I'm super excited to be more stable this way!!

• Emergency fund: I calculated out how much money I need for 1-month of frugal living and multiplied that by 6 months. I will have that amount of money saved up by the end of 2017.
• Gifts: I planned out how much I'll spend over a year for siblings/parents/niblings' b-days, mother's day and father's day, Christmas, and bridal/baby showers (only 5 of my friends can get married or have a baby, alright?!), and divided it by 12.
• Car maintenance: (oil changes + annual registration + estimated repairs)/12 months
• Health expenses: estimated co-pays, vitamins, etc.

Savings goals: I'm also super excited about this. It feels really good to know when I can afford what I want.

• Travel: This is my most extravagant category. I'm budgeting to be able to take one international trip and one national trip each year. It's that important to me. 
• Retirement: I am lucky enough that my work pays 14% of my salary into a 401k for me. Which is amazing. It's almost as much as what I should be contributing myself, so I'm pretty much off the hook, but I still invest $100/month into a Roth IRA through Betterment.com. I used to invest with a personal financial advisor, but after reading I Will Teach You to be Rich, I decided to make the switch (financial advisor's costs: 0.75%. Betterment's automated service: 0.35%...which adds up to thousands of dollars by the time I retire.) 
• Pay back Mom and Dad: I'll be out of debt to my parents by the end of 2016. Which is the last debt I have (happy dance!).
• Next car: I'm pretty excited about this one. I've paid off my car loan in April, and I decided that I'm never going to go in debt for a car again. So I'm paying myself a car loan now, and I'll have enough to get a new car in 5 years (when my current car is 10 years old). The other day I took my car to the dealer for a service, and they tried to get me to upgrade. I was tempted for half a second, but this plan helped me stick to my guns. So far I'm keeping this money in Prosper.com. Prosper is a peer-to-peer lending service like Lending Club. Basically I divide my money into different $25 chunks and invest that tiny bit into a lot of different loans. Prosper helps me vet the borrowers so I can allocate my risk appropriately. Let me tell you, it feels amazing to be lending money to people who earn twice as much money as I do. Wabaam!
• House downpayment: Yep. I'm saving up for a house. The plan is to have 5% in 3 years. I have part of this in Betterment (25% stocks 75% bonds allocation) and part in Prosper. Maybe when it gets closer I'll keep some in the bank too. Oh, my bank is pretty cool. I did some research and found one that gives me 1.6%. Which is a heck of a lot better than the (I kid you not) 0.015% interest I was getting at my old credit union.

And that's it! I have like $11 unaccounted for with this current budget. I've thought about putting it to my future kids' tuition in a Betterment account. For now, I'm pretty happy with this plan. Do you keep a budget? What part are you most excited about?

Living Deliberately During the Hard Times

“The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” ~Steve Furtick

Every time I hear about how social media use makes you sadder, because people only post their victories, I wonder if I'm part of the problem. But I don't want to post negative things and bring people down either. As this blog has been one long string of personal victories, I decided that as it comes to a close (maybe I'll do a second round of 99, but not right now), I'd be open about how I've tried to live deliberately while going through the hard times during these same 999 days.

When I started the 99 in 2014, I was in a serious funk. The man I still loved married someone else. My job was an endless source of frustration with zero fulfillment. I struggled in school for the first time. Like, meeting with the professor for an hour a week and getting 5 hours of outside tutoring each week and still not getting it. And I moved to a new place where everyone already had friends and didn't need any more. Life seemed pointless. Why was I going to school (and failing) to get a job I already had (and didn't want)?! I really wanted to quit and just be a bum in my parents' basement for the rest of my life. <-- This is not normal me. But that's where I was.

So how did I live deliberately during that time? I confided in a few select people. I humbled myself and went to therapy. And I lowered my expectations for myself. I realized I could not do what I normally could. I generally like to think that I should always be getting better and taking on more, but at that time I had to do and take on less. My new measuring stick for a successful day was no longer "read scriptures, worked out, ate healthy, did all the school stuff, was a good friend," but rather "got enough sleep." Yep. Got enough sleep. That's what success looked like.

Fast forward to 2015. I'm happy and capable again. I'm making plans and doing stuff (making plans and doing stuff is a pretty good indicator of my inner well-being). I have friends and can reach out to the people who don't have friends. And then I pretty rapidly find myself in the midst of the biggest faith crisis I've ever experienced. My faith seems at odds with my views on gender equality. My faith seems at odds with my political and social views. Then from one day to the next, it seems completely irrational to believe in God. I'm back to my 8 year old self, who concluded, while riding my bike in circles on the driveway, that there was no reason to believe in God, but it was better than oblivion (I was quite the existential kid). All of my spiritual experiences since then can't be trusted, because they're based on feelings, which are fickle and can be manufactured.

Faith crises are alarming. It feels like you have to decide immediately. You have to figure this out right now. But haste isn't exactly good for this process. So I slowed down. I decided not to make any changes to my church activity while I was figuring it out. I spent a LOT of time thinking and introspecting. I started studying the word of God morning and evening instead of just once a day, each time with the question "Is God real?" in mind. I never stopped talking to God, even when I thought it was irrational to believe in Him. I told Him I what I was thinking about. And when it got too heavy, I shelved it for a while. One cannot carry existential burdens around all the time. Sometimes you just gotta immerse yourself in the chores of life as an escape. I confided in a very few people (this felt super vulnerable to me), whom I knew had faced real doubts with faith. It was very important to me to talk to people who had chosen to keep the faith, as that's what I wanted to do. I counseled with my ecclesiastical leaders, and just kept swimming.

Later in 2015, I also graduated. Which launched me into a quarter (third?) life crisis. I had already tried the job that my schooling prepared me for...and I had hated it. I had a door open to me, but it felt like the easy way out. I took it, and wondered if I was a pansy. I interviewed for and got offered and took a job, and then the people rescinded the offer, leaving me feeling betrayed and lost again. And so on...quite a lot of employment drama. In the course of 10 days it looked like 1) I'd be in Provo for the next 3 years, then 2) I'd be moving out to CA soon or 3) I'd be living and working in Brazil. My parents learned to stop getting excited or nervous about each new thing that looked like it was gonna happen.

Living deliberately during that time looked like moving forward with things despite uncertainty. Introspection about my talents, experiences, and my self-knowledge of employment likes and dislikes (I'm still in this phase). Rolling with the punches. Getting advice from people I trust. But mostly a lot of just making choices.

And that's my life. It's not just a series of one adventure after another (even if that's all I post about). It's a lot of messiness. Interpersonal conflict. Internal conflict. Me + God conflict. Life decisions. Uncertainty. Fear. And the beauty in between the pain.

The End of the 999

My 999 days are up. I completed 48 of my 99 goals, with an additional couple that were partially completed. And you know what? I feel pretty good about that. Half is great! When I started I fully expected to not reach all 99. It was about the intent. And setting that intent made me reach farther than I would have otherwise. Also, when I wrote up my goals I had NO conception of how hard grad school is. Otherwise I would not have put so many academic life goals on there! Just graduating in this time frame is accomplishment enough. Holy Hannah.

Here are some ways that I changed because of doing the 99 in 999:

• I budget effortlessly now. I actually found it a drag when I did my 3-month budget for my goal. But then I had this break through and now I find it really liberating! I can't imagine ever not budgeting.
• I'm now a person that stays up on the news. I've had this ideal since high school. Now I actually do it! Podcast power.
• I watch documentaries semi-frequently now.
• I feel like an expert on what to do in Utah.
• I practice yoga semi-regularly now
• I can see myself continuing to scuba dive
• I just finished my first belly dancing class (which I would've chickened out of had it not been for this blog), and totally loved it! I'll definitely be doing more.
• Mindfulness has become a thing for me, ever since meditating at the monastery. 
• aaaand I'm about to go to Brazil! I'll have that memory forever.

I think I'm more self-aware and more empowered than I was 999 days ago. A lot of that is from grad school, but some of it is from making the other goals happen. That's the thing about doing hard things--your sense of self-efficacy goes up. I can do hard things. I can make happen what I want to make happen. 

Goal #53 Take a Middle Eastern dance class

In 2010, I had a friend who was a belly dancer. Previous to this, my only idea of belly dancing came from Aladdin.

It seemed like something scarlet women use to entice men. Belly dancing might as well be pole dancing which might as well be lap dancing.

But it's not! Alisha told me she belly danced (which surprised me) and told me how much she loved it (surprised again). Then she said the most intriguing thing--belly dancing is an escape from secular society. Whaaat? Turns out she had been writing a blog for a class, and chose belly dancing as her theme. I devoured each post. Her statements about belly dancing intrigued me. Things like:

• Regardless of your size, race, life style, dance ability, or anything else that may matter in any other setting, people there accept you for you.  Belly dancing, for me, really in an escape from a secular society.  My dance class is  something I look forward to all week because it is 1-1 ½ hours of freedom.  Freedom from gossip, freedom from being judged, freedom from a society that doesn’t accept people how they are.  At dance I can be me, and that person is good enough just the way I am.
• I call it empowering, because it gives the dancer so much knowledge about his or her own body.
• Belly dancing teaches you to grasp your femininity and learn to appreciate not only your body, but your internal attributes as well.  It also allows you to express yourself in a way that is comfortable to you as an individual.  
• Belly dancing is a type of dance that not only accepts, but encourages all females to participate.  It does not matter how tall or short you are, how big or thin you are, what race you are, nor what level of beauty a societal scale has given you.  ALL women are invited to participate, to learn, to enjoy this type of dance.
• And, after telling her dance class about a remark from a boy about how belly dancing was a dance skinny girls do for men, she got this response " 'Boys, ugh, boys need to get over themselves.  Not everything we do is for them.  They think we put on make-up for them, and now they think we dance for them...ha.'  How can you not smile upon hearing such a response???"

Every since reading her blog, I've wanted to try it. Not because belly dancing itself intrigued me, but because of how Alisha talked about belly dancing and what it did for her.

It took me 6 years, but I've finally taken up belly dancing. And I am surprised to discover that I LOVE it! I can see myself doing this my whole life. The first class was incredibly awkward. I felt vulnerable and out of my element. I immediately started judging my body in comparison to all the other women there. The movements felt strange in my body (you have NO idea how many types of figure 8s you can do with your hips!). The only thing that kept me coming back for class 2 was that I had paid for it already. Class 2 felt a little less awkward, but not by much. 

Then something happened during class 3. Earlier in the class period, someone said something about how "you can't feel upset when you're doing a horizontal (figure 8)." And everyone agreed--you can't feel lonely when you're doing a horizontal, you can't feel angry, you can't feel anything but pure joy and contentment. And I thought about it, and it was true. I was extra happy and content while dancing. During the class period I realized that I had stopped judging my body and everyone else's. I felt the acceptance and the sisterhood that Alisha had talked about. At the end of class, a 60-year old Armenian woman (who is now my friend) told me, "This is where we come to love ourselves."

It's so true. It's only been a month, but already this is what belly dancing does for me:

• It teaches me to love my body
• It helps me "inhabit" my body rather than living in my mind 
• It lets me express feminine energy, when so much of my daily life requires masculine energy
• It gives me a community of women
• It gets me interacting with women that are different from me in age, religion, culture (there are 3 Armenian women!), and experience
• It makes me feel completely accepted, without doing anything to earn it

Plus the fact that it's scary and hard, and I'm doing it anyway! #VulnerabilityVictory

My dance will be a traditional basket dance from Armenia, similar to this one:

And you know what? You can all come to my performance. It's on April 8th. When I started, I didn't think I'd even let my roommates come, but I'm not ashamed anymore! I'm proud of myself.

My dollar for completing this goal went to in-kind donations to help refugees settling into Salt Lake City. To learn more about what type of in-kind donations the IRC is currently in need of, go here.

Goal #52 Get scuba certified

My Scuba Class!

Last night at the Homestead Crater, I dove down to 66 feet and got scuba certified. I am SO happy! Two out of the three dive nights before last night, I didn't do so well. I couldn't get my buoyancy right. My ears wouldn't equalize and felt like knives stabbing through my sinuses. My tank wanted me to barrel roll, etc. It was the worst. And I wondered why I had decided to take up such an expensive, unenjoyable hobby.

And then there was last night. :) Last night we had two scuba instructors with our class, and one stayed with me for the first dive and helped me figure everything out. I got weighted. I achieved neutral buoyancy. I equalized my ears. And I dove deeper than I'd ever dived before. In fact, I made it to the very bottom. The crater is actually a hot spring, and I went to the very bottom and put my hand where the steamy water gurgles out of the earth. SO COOL! As a geology geek, that was the coolest part.

Since I didn't have my camera out in the crater, here are some beautiful Google images to show you what it was like. ;)

First we assemble our BCD on the dock

Then we get in. We did a seated entry though.

We go down to the platform, 15 ft below

And then to the pvc rectangle, 35 ft below

And down to the bottom

and back up!

This video encapsulates my experience. You'll feel like you were there. Except you can breathe through your nose and you don't have to stress out about equalizing yours ears.

I don't know if I like scuba diving yet. Hopefully when there's pretty fish to see, I will. But I'm totally proud of myself for doing something that was hard for me. :)


My dollar for completing this goal goes to providing in kind donations (socks!) for refugees resettled into Salt Lake City, through the International Rescue Committee.

Goal #83 See a silent movie with an organ playing

Seeing a silent movie with an organ playing feels like going back in time! SO cool! The film was made with short screens that show text dialogue that give you enough context so fill in the blanks. The organ music provides the emotion. And the audience does some inferring from the visual. The overall effect is a more intense emotional experience than a normal film. Kind of like how you get more attached to characters while reading a book. I highly recommend it.

If you wanna go, it's the Edison Street Theater. They have this crazy purple glitter organ that's over 100 years old, called the Mighty Wurlitzer. They show 1 or 2 silent movies a month, and a ticket is $6. This brilliant musician plays through the whole film, without a score or looking up at the movie. 80% of the audience is over 50 years old, and the other 20% is 20-somethings on dates. Nobody in between. It's pretty fun. :)


My dollar for completing this goal goes to funding young innovators in Sierra Leone, Kenya, and South Africa.

Goal #43 Missionary work: Give someone a Book of Mormon

Me + niblings

Over Thanksgiving I went with my family to the Tijuana Temple open house. It was fabulous. I was fascinated crossing the border (it was only my 2nd time despite growing up an hour away) and seeing everything change. The temple was beautiful--I loved how they incorporated regional characteristics and architecture. And afterwards we ate street tacos--best lunch ever!

Tacos El Gordo, I shall remember you forever!

We brought a family friend with us to the open house, and I was able to give her a copy of the Book of Mormon in her native Spanish. There was no pomp and circumstance; I hadn't planned it; and I didn't write my testimony on the cover page. I just noticed that she loved the open house, saw a copy of the Book of Mormon on a table in the reception tent, and gave it to her.

Us with the Christus statue

To make this post a little better, I thought I'd reflect on the role of the Book of Mormon in my life. I can recite what the Book of Mormon is "supposed" to do--a) bring you closer to Christ b) help you gain a testimony of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, because if the book is true, then Joseph Smith is a true prophet, then the Church is true--but those things aren't necessarily what I think of. If you want to know what the BoM is, go here.

What the Book of Mormon has done for me:

• It has brought peace. Sometimes I'm reading something completely mundane, but the simple act of reading in this book has calmed my troubled heart.
• It has brought answers. There have been times when I didn't know how to approach a situation, and then a verse enlightens my mind and I know what to do next.
• It has brought me to repentance. Reading the stories of these people and their interaction with God has reminded me of what I need to be and do, which has caused me to change my ways.

Some of my favorite verses from the Book of Mormon are:

"For he that diligently seeketh shall find; and the mysteries of God shall be unfolded unto them, by the power of the Holy Ghost, as well in these times as in times of old, and as well in times of old as in times to come; wherefore, the course of the Lord is one eternal round." 1 Nephi 10:19

"He (Jesus) doeth not anything save it be for the benefit of the world; for he loveth the world, even that he layeth down his own life that he may draw all men unto him. Wherefore, he commandeth none that they shall not partake of his salvation." 2 Nephi 26:24

"And now, my beloved brethren, I would that ye should come unto Christ, who is the Holy One of Israel, and partake of his salvation, and the power of his redemption. Yea, come unto him, and offer your whole souls as an offering unto him, and continue in fasting and praying, and endure to the end; ad as the Lord liveth ye will be saved." Omni 1:26

"Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend." Mosiah 4:10

"But he (Jesus) was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed." Mosiah 14:5 (in which this guy Abinadi quotes all of Isaiah 53)

"And he (Jesus) shall go forth suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people. And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities." (Alma 7:11-12)

"And now I would that ye should be humble, and be submissive and gentle; easy to be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; being temperature in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive." Alma 7:23

"Nevertheless they did fast and pray oft, and did wax stronger and stronger in their humility and firmer and firmer in the faith of Christ, unto the filling their souls with joy and consolation, yea, even to the purifying and the sanctification cometh because of their yielding their hearts unto God." Helaman 3:35

"The light of the body is the eye; if, therefore, thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light." 3 Nephi 13:22 (also taught in by Jesus in Matthew 6)

"Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God." Moroni 10:32

Wow--I've never strung them together before. I guess I like scriptures about Jesus' character and how I come unto Him.

My dollar for completing this goal goes to funding young innovators in Africa.