Living Deliberately During the Hard Times

“The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” ~Steve Furtick

Every time I hear about how social media use makes you sadder, because people only post their victories, I wonder if I'm part of the problem. But I don't want to post negative things and bring people down either. As this blog has been one long string of personal victories, I decided that as it comes to a close (maybe I'll do a second round of 99, but not right now), I'd be open about how I've tried to live deliberately while going through the hard times during these same 999 days.

When I started the 99 in 2014, I was in a serious funk. The man I still loved married someone else. My job was an endless source of frustration with zero fulfillment. I struggled in school for the first time. Like, meeting with the professor for an hour a week and getting 5 hours of outside tutoring each week and still not getting it. And I moved to a new place where everyone already had friends and didn't need any more. Life seemed pointless. Why was I going to school (and failing) to get a job I already had (and didn't want)?! I really wanted to quit and just be a bum in my parents' basement for the rest of my life. <-- This is not normal me. But that's where I was.

So how did I live deliberately during that time? I confided in a few select people. I humbled myself and went to therapy. And I lowered my expectations for myself. I realized I could not do what I normally could. I generally like to think that I should always be getting better and taking on more, but at that time I had to do and take on less. My new measuring stick for a successful day was no longer "read scriptures, worked out, ate healthy, did all the school stuff, was a good friend," but rather "got enough sleep." Yep. Got enough sleep. That's what success looked like.

Fast forward to 2015. I'm happy and capable again. I'm making plans and doing stuff (making plans and doing stuff is a pretty good indicator of my inner well-being). I have friends and can reach out to the people who don't have friends. And then I pretty rapidly find myself in the midst of the biggest faith crisis I've ever experienced. My faith seems at odds with my views on gender equality. My faith seems at odds with my political and social views. Then from one day to the next, it seems completely irrational to believe in God. I'm back to my 8 year old self, who concluded, while riding my bike in circles on the driveway, that there was no reason to believe in God, but it was better than oblivion (I was quite the existential kid). All of my spiritual experiences since then can't be trusted, because they're based on feelings, which are fickle and can be manufactured.

Faith crises are alarming. It feels like you have to decide immediately. You have to figure this out right now. But haste isn't exactly good for this process. So I slowed down. I decided not to make any changes to my church activity while I was figuring it out. I spent a LOT of time thinking and introspecting. I started studying the word of God morning and evening instead of just once a day, each time with the question "Is God real?" in mind. I never stopped talking to God, even when I thought it was irrational to believe in Him. I told Him I what I was thinking about. And when it got too heavy, I shelved it for a while. One cannot carry existential burdens around all the time. Sometimes you just gotta immerse yourself in the chores of life as an escape. I confided in a very few people (this felt super vulnerable to me), whom I knew had faced real doubts with faith. It was very important to me to talk to people who had chosen to keep the faith, as that's what I wanted to do. I counseled with my ecclesiastical leaders, and just kept swimming.

Later in 2015, I also graduated. Which launched me into a quarter (third?) life crisis. I had already tried the job that my schooling prepared me for...and I had hated it. I had a door open to me, but it felt like the easy way out. I took it, and wondered if I was a pansy. I interviewed for and got offered and took a job, and then the people rescinded the offer, leaving me feeling betrayed and lost again. And so on...quite a lot of employment drama. In the course of 10 days it looked like 1) I'd be in Provo for the next 3 years, then 2) I'd be moving out to CA soon or 3) I'd be living and working in Brazil. My parents learned to stop getting excited or nervous about each new thing that looked like it was gonna happen.

Living deliberately during that time looked like moving forward with things despite uncertainty. Introspection about my talents, experiences, and my self-knowledge of employment likes and dislikes (I'm still in this phase). Rolling with the punches. Getting advice from people I trust. But mostly a lot of just making choices.

And that's my life. It's not just a series of one adventure after another (even if that's all I post about). It's a lot of messiness. Interpersonal conflict. Internal conflict. Me + God conflict. Life decisions. Uncertainty. Fear. And the beauty in between the pain.